Finding Home
by Little Dru
Summary: After Buffy comes back, all her friends seem to get on with their lives, but she can't. The only person there to comfort her when she breaks, is the person she thought she hated.


Rating: PG, some harmless kissing, that's all  
  
Disclaimer: I'm just playing with all of Joss' favorite toys for right now. He's takin' a nap. You don't think he'll mind do you?  
  
Summary: Buffy's feeling sad and lost right now. Her friends are all moving on w/ their lives. Only Spike remains the same and right by her. Funny thing is, she's the one she's always treated horribly.  
  
Feedback: Yes please :) I'd love some feedback. I'll love you all if you give me some! :)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ So here I am being "not-dead" Buffy. It's funny, last time I died, I didn't feel this alone. This pain. This hell. Maybe that's because last time I wasn't pulled from Heaven. Ripped away from the only peace I'll probably ever know.  
  
It's been months now, since I was brought back, but I can't get over it. I've tried... so hard. And when you look at me, you'd think I was over it. I'm over it for their sake. I can't let them know what they did. They wouldn't be able to take it. But it's harder to tell them than it is to keep it to myself. So I sit here by myself at the Bronze while they laugh and have a good time. Xander and Anya found happiness with each other. They finally got married last month. They decided to skip out on the embarrassment of having their families come together, and got married by the Justice of the Peace. Me and Willow stood up for them. Anya and Xander are happily married. Happy.  
  
Tara and Willow aren't together, but they are happy. Oz came back and Willow realized she loved him again. Tara was understanding and now Oz and Willow are together again. Tara went up to LA for some Wicca Cult and stayed with Angel at the hotel. She met Wesley and they have been dating ever since. It was weird at first, Willow and Tara have been gay so long, seeing them with guys was odd. We got used to it though. Like we get used to everything.  
  
Being the Key doesn't phase Dawn anymore. She's just trying to get through 10th grade right now. Being normal kind of chases her. I'll never live a normal day in my life. She has had some days where she hated being my sister lately, but at lease she has friends who don't know about her other life. She can go over to their house and be normal. Forget how I came home the other night with green slim dripping from the leather coat she let me borrow. Forget that I'm a Slayer, her father figure is a Watcher and the other is a Vampire. How all of her other friends are what we call Scoobies. She can forget it. And she's happy.  
  
Giles moved back to England. He said there was nothing more he could teach me about being a Slayer. He gave his apartment to Spike, left everything, and headed back home. He sends me checks every month to keep Dawn and I above water while I pay off doctor bills from mom. I never knew a Watcher got paid so much to look after the Slayers, when the Slayers where the ones who risked thier lives everynight. He also sends me letters telling me about the Council and how they are doing. It's hard to decipher his British slang, but I just ask Spike what they mean. Giles is happy.  
  
The only other person besides me who wasn't happy was...  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Spike.  
  
I look up at him and give him a weak smile. From all the fake ones I've been carrying around, that's all I can come up with. But he understands and nods with a small smile of his own.  
  
"See your mates are dancing." He says trying to make light conversation. 10 for effort.  
  
"Yeah" I reply. He probably wouldn't have heard me if he wasn't a vampire, but he was... and here he stood with the Slayer.  
  
"I didn't think they really had Bush here. Had to check it out myself. The local Sunnyhell hangout having a decent band playing, imagine that?" He joked. It was such a stupid joke you couldn't help but smile  
  
"Sit down, Spike" I say as if I'm talking to my best friend. He was, wasn't he? I did't mind his company. Where he was annoying, I now find my comfort.  
  
"I remember this a little." He states sitting across from me. The table is small and round with two stools on each side. The stairs are on our left...pool table to our right. The scene that most sticks in my memory came splashing to the surface;  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Give it to me good Buffy. Do it!"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Come on Slayer. I can feel it. You know you wanna dance." brbr  
  
"Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be with you Spike. It'll never be you. You're beneath me."  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
"Oh God." I say under my breath. He turns his head to the side in question. "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you." I almost can't breathe as everything comes crashing at me all at once. He risked his life and everything for us, not just for me, not for money. But for us. The entire Scooby Gang. The entire world. A souless vampire who gets no credit, just shit from the people he saved. He's the only one who's ever been there for me, and all of us. And it hurts that I can't take all of it back.  
  
*Flashback* "I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd have done that, even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, and do something different. Faster, or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways. Every night, I save you. "  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
I would've fallen off of the stool if he wasn't quick and hadn't caught me. I wrap my arms around him and bury my head in his chest. The memories of wrong doing and the recent feeling of everyone being happy but me run down my cheeks and soak through the cotton of his shirt.  
  
When we die, we go into the arms of those that remember us  
  
We are home now  
  
Out of hour heads  
  
Out of minds  
  
Out of this world  
  
Out of this time  
  
I don't feel anything except the cool, and surprisingly gentle hand rubbing my back. He is more confident than when he sat on the porch and comforted me. He was awkward then. He must've had practice comforting Dawn when I died.  
  
Are you drowning or waving  
  
I just want you to save me  
  
Should we try to get along  
  
Just try to get along  
  
He slowly tilts my head up with his thumb under my chin. His blue orbs look a little misty. It almost breaks my heart. I've never seen him cry before. He's always the strong one.  
  
So we move  
  
We change by the speed of choices that we make  
  
And the barriers are self-made  
  
That's so retrograde  
  
"You're not alone." He says quietly so only I can hear. It amazes me how well he knows me. "I will always be here for you. Always love you. You can tell me to leave right now and I'd still be there lurking in the shadows. And you may not trust me, your friends may not trust me, but I don't care. I know I don't have a real soul. I have an artificial one. And not the chip. It's you Buffy. It's always been you. I don't need one.  
  
Are you drowning or waving?  
  
I just need you to save me  
  
Should we try to get along  
  
Try to get along  
  
"I know the Scooby Gang isn't what it used to be, and your Watcher up and left, but I won't. I'm not gonna leave. I'll be there with you until you piss the bloody rainbow."  
  
"Why?" I ask. I already know the answer. He already said it. I just want to hear him say it again.  
  
"You already know why."  
  
"Say it."  
  
"I. Love. You." He says slowly. His smile is small and not cocky. It's almost insecure.  
  
I am alive  
  
I am alive to the trials and confusion we create  
  
There are times when I feel we are about to break  
  
When there's too much to say  
  
I put my hands through his hair that is a mess and pull his lips to mine. He is shocked at first, but soon relaxes and deepens the kiss. If my life depended on that kiss, I would've lived 20 lives already. I never knew what an amazing kisser he was. The way his small lips felt like butterfly wings, soft and cool, made my stomache knot as if it was my first kiss. I envy Drusilla for being able to kiss him for over a century. We both pulled away at the same time. I needed air.  
  
His lips are slightly swollen. I softly put my hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes and leaned into my palm. I lightly run my thumb across his lips. I put my other hand on his other cheek and pull him in for another kiss.  
  
Finally we stopped the kiss and went back to hugging. My head on his chest. The chest that didn't need a heart to know he could love.  
  
We didn't need to talk. I didn't need to tell him I was finally happy. That I had finally found peace. I found something to live for. We were home now.  
  
We are home now  
  
Out of our heads  
  
Out of our minds  
  
Out of this world  
  
Out of this time 


End file.
